Blargh

 

I have been seriously slacking in my blogging. Blame it on several things: Being busy, depressed, working, family, and a slew of other things. I have been slack, and it stinks, but what can I say?

A few updates:

Marching Band is participating in the parade this weekend for our town. Oldest is going to have an early morning Saturday. Not so much as a long day as they aren’t there for the whole day, unlike w/ the competitions, etc.

The Youngest is finally a Girl Scout. We had a meeting last week and now we have another tomorrow and she is happy. I also joined along with her so that way I can go with her on trips and help out where I can. It’s been YEARS, but seriously, not much has changed.

Hubby is heading into finals this week with school. He’s looking at straight A’s for his classes. Not sure about final GPA, but I imagine it’ll be close to a 4.0.

The animals are all doing well. Sleeping more, and terrorizing each more. Yup, winter is coming. The only real concern is Cujo. He has started to in the last few days to not be able to jump off of the beds or couches. He is also starting to have a harder time with jumping up. I think we might look into some dog steps for him. I have a bad feeling about him and the upcoming year, but at least he has lived a long and happy life. And who knows, maybe out of spite, he’ll last another ten years! Also, we now have one Official Outdoor Cat and an Unofficial one. They are the siblings of Tux, her sister Zombie and brother Bob (Everyone else is Not Bob). Zombie has taken to attacking Hubby much like her sister did. I told him he better make sure he’s got all of his bonuses because if he rolls another critical (ie, 1) he’s in deep shit. Of course, I better do the same as well. We don’t have the room or money for more animals to come into this place with. We have six already. We don’t need more. Obviously, the kids are no help in this matter.

Ok, now, that is it for the updates. The rest of this entry may not be all that pleasant, for which I say, go away if you don’t want to read complaining, bitching, whinning, and the like. I have been dealing with a pretty nasty depression for a while now, and as a recommendation from my doctor (since I am refusing pills, I take enough already thank you) to write about it. I wont be covering everything here, since obviously some of it is too personal for such a public space. I’ll save that for my LiveJournal. I can lock that one to friends only, and not worry about my ‘dirty laundry’ getting strung up all over the place. So, consider yourself warned. If you don’t click another link (I have several to the right side of this blog) then I don’t want to hear any of you bitching.

For the better art of two months I have been dealing with varying degrees of depression. Some of it has been easy to deal with and throw to the side. Other bits… not so much. I’ve had bouts of it before (everyone does), but nothing like this. And it’s not any one big event that has caused me to go down this road, either. One big event certainly didn’t help me any, but it’s mostly just a lot of little things that build and build.

In September, I got ‘sick’. Not saying with what, or just what happened. That’s MY business. But that was the one BIG event that was a catalyst to all of this. And of course I had missed time at work and that caused em to not be able to go back home for my niece’s wedding, which I was looking forward to. In the time since I’ve been out on my own, I have been home a small handful of times. And those times were not happy ones. Mostly funerals and one separation. I was looking forward to being there for a happy occasion and to see everybody and spend some quality time being with them and happy, instead of mourning.

I’ve been feeling really homesick lately. Bad enough that it is making the depression worse. I didn’t want anything to do with Thanksgiving this year. Didn’t want to leave the house. And it’s not because I didn’t want to spend it with Hubby’s side of the family. By any means, no. I adore my in-laws. In fact we did have a good time. But the reason for not wanting to go was I am tired of not being able to spend ANY holiday with my family. My mother, my siblings, my nieces and nephews. I may not be as close to them as once upon a time, but dammit, I would like to be able to be with them and maybe reforge those loose bonds with them so they can become stronger. It’s not easy doing it over the phone or e-mail and most are not that much into the internet, if at all (unless they are keeping something from me…). For Yule this year, we are staying here. I do not want to leave the house. If everyone else wants to come to me, that’s fine, I wont turn them away. Not much room, but I can make do. But since I cannot go home, my ass is staying firmly planted right here. I can’t see my mother, I wont be bothering with spending the gas money to see anyone else. It’s not fair to me. We have money for trips to here and there, but NEVER the money to go home. It wears on me and I can’t take it anymore. Mom is not getting any younger and I miss her. It had been several years since I’d seen Dad before he passed away. I don’t want that for Mom. I regret that, and I don’t want it again.

Speaking of which, I have been trying to send her a package for the better part of six months. I have not been able to get this woman who gave birth to me a present for her birthday or christmas in forever. So, I have decided that until that package makes its way to her, with everything in it (still waiting on a few things), unless you are my kids or my husband, you will not be getting anything from me. Sorry, but if I don’t have $$$ for my own mother, then the rest of you wont get anything. 

There are also issues with the family life that are going on, that for the most part will not be talked about here. The ones that know about it are the ones that know about it. No one else need concern themselves. All I will say is that if certain changes are not made soon, and on more than one level then I will become a world-class bitch and throw EVERYBODY out the door. It’s a lot of stress and heartache that I am no longer willing to put up with, and it is not involving just one person. Now having said that, I fully expect the backlash of I shouldn’t have just typed that here. Fuck off. This is about me. This is my little pity party. Since no one really wants to listen to me fully in regards to many things, or have their heads so far up their own asses, where else can I say it? Oh, right, LiveJournal.

I know I’m being a bit mean, a bit whiney, and a bitch. But if you sit down and look at everything, I’m shocked I haven’t put a gun to my head or to those around me and pulled the trigger. It may seem like I’m blowing things out of proportion, but not so much. I am just tired of a lot of things, and it seems that no matter how hard I do try to make them better, or try to repair what ever damage has been done, it blows up in my face and it wont happen that way. Unless I become a complete and total bitch and throw a temper tantrum. Then things happen. But it’s only ever short-term. Things go right back to the way they were, because in a family unit (just like any other unit) EVERYBODY has to want it in order to make it happen. Well, that’s not the way it is.

Currently I am the only one working, if you could call it that. My hours fluctuate so much that one week I might be seen or heard much, and the next I’m home more than I care to be. And the work environment leaves A LOT to be desired. And not just the lovely customers who feel the need to treat you like shit, no matter how nice and polite you are to them. I am fed up with working there, with the majority of those people. BUT, since the economy tanked, jobs have been scarce around here, and a few that I did actually apply to do these nice little credit checks, and since my credit is fucked beyond belief, I wont be hired. Even with one of my managers vouching for me in how I handle money at work. Figure that shit out. And some of the other jobs that are available are not suitable for my legs, though I may have to live with it and try and hide the pain just to get them. And I am speaking of factory jobs. A few plants are going to be opening up this Spring in Greenville, so it’s something to consider. But I am fed up with my job. Here’s some free advice to you young kids- if you have the opportunity to stay in school and get a degree that may give you an edge over everyone else, say FUCK all to everything else and stay in school. Otherwise take a long hard look at me. I have the training and know how to be CPA. I can still do it. BUT, since I was a retard and didn’t listen to my gut and stay in school and finish that little degree up, and thus allowing my credit to get fucked right along with it, I’m stuck with low paying, low respect, low satisfaction jobs that make me want to bash my head in. And no, I cannot go back to school either. Why? For one thing, I still owe money to a school and you cannot be accepted at any other school unless you pay off that debt. Kind of like a black list, if you will. And there is my credit. And the fact that due to our money situation, I had to let my student loans go, I will not be approved for any others. You can scream scholarship all you want. That will not be enough to cover it all.

Yes, I want more than anything to go back to school and finish up at least one of my degrees. I was working on a AA in History, as well a BA in both Business Management and Accounting. I still wow people at work with the shit I know. But it does me no good in the work force. So yeah, there is all that. And yes, it has made things a little sticky between the Hubby and I, what with him in school right now. But even though I do feel jealousy towards him being where I want to be, I refuse to let him drop out. He’s pissed me off with the whole no job thing, even with unemployment (it’s not even close to what we need to survive since my boss plays with my schedule), and he has come close to ROYALLY pissing me off by threatening to drop out. Nope. Not gonna happen, no matter how upset I am that its him and not me. He needs this. We can’t have him on the road anymore as a Truck Driver. His diabetes will catch up to him and end that for him. By going to school, he’s giving himself and our family a chance. It’s hard, but that is something I’ve come to terms with, no matter how much it hurts.

I have been pretty distant with several friends right now, and it’s nothing they’ve done. It’s me. Nobody did anything to piss me off. Not yet, anyway, unless you happen to live with me or work with me, then let me see what time of day it is ;). No, it’s just been very difficult since September to talk to a few of you guys. It’s my choice to stay quiet, and deal with it on my own. And I shouldn’t be that way, but it’s not easy dealing with what I went through and then listening to people who have what I should have go on and on about it. So, it’s fucked up, but I love each and every one of you. It’s not you, it’s me.

It’s also not helping right now that I don’t have my cell phone and am lucky if I can get it to turn on at all so I can slowly get the numbers off of it I need. And I’ve misplaced (in all the cleaning and organizing I’ve done) the list of numbers I did have written down. I’m not a big phone talker by any means. Anyone that has been my friend for any amount of time knows that it can be a while before I actually make a call. But when I get on there I can be on there for long time. Go figure. *shrugs* I was hoping to have the money together in about two weeks to either get the phone repaired or replaced, but I don’t see that happening, unless I renew one of my loans for a larger amount, which would more or less screw us over big time, since it will increase the monthly payments. So yeah, may be a while. If you are on FaceBook, I think I have my correct phone number listed on that, I’ll have to check. If you follow me on LiveJournal, I locked it under a friend’s only post. Sorry, don’t want ever Tom, Dick and Sally calling me.

Legs are hurting, and the hands are kicking in. The weather is not being kind today with it being cold and rainy. Have a bunch of chores to do, but not sure just what will get done. Which is another thing. I remember when it was mostly me and the Youngest home all the time. Even with all the animals. I don’t recall it ever being so hard to keep the place clean. I don’t expect it to be immaculate. Ever. Mainly because I’m not. And also due to the lack of space here. Four people, six animals all in a two bedroom trailer. Yup. But, it’s hard to keep things off of the tables (kitchen and coffee), and it seems like the mess from the kids room spills out into the living room. And I know Hubby doesn’t have a desk of his own so he can work, but damn, I made a space for him to keep his stuff at. It certainly does not help with the depression if you spend your entire day off cleaning and organizing and then the very next day at the latest everything is messed up, why bother? Seriously. I’ll vacuum, and not even ten minutes later, it’s a mess again. I’ll clean the bathroom, and an hour later I feel like I have to do it again. I’ve given up on the Entertainment Center ever being dusted or organized again, so maybe I can have my little knick knacks on display w/o everything covering them up. Maybe I might feel more inclined to work on my desk or bake or do something if I feel everyone else is doing their fair share without me getting upset or pissy or saying something. And this has been going on for a while. I don’t really want to decorate for Yule this year because I don’t want it all to get lost in the clutter or get ruined. It’s horrible I know, and I don’t like feeling like that, but damn. Is it so hard to put something back in its place where it belongs with a little care? Apparently so.

I know, am I quite finished yet? Do I want to stomp on something or someone else? Am I done complaining so maybe I can be told that I am wrong and it’s not this way and that I am being a baby about it all? Nope, not by a long shot. That’s something else that does not help me out, at all.  I don’t often find it easy to share my feelings and emotions with people. I tend to do  it better through the written word. I can normally find what I want to say and have it make sense. Verbally, what can I say, I can’t do it. I muck it up and say the wrong thing and BAM! Instant fight. Never fun. These are my feelings and emotions and I am tired of them not being cared for. I listen to everyone else bitch and complain and have me sit there and cater to their every whim to make sure they are happy. Fuck it, not anymore. I am being selfish, but if I don’t, then I will go completely nuts and will wind up somewhere with a nice white jacket and very helpful people. I have come to realize that I have a few tough choices ahead of me. They will not be easy and will not be ones I want to make. But then again, that is life I suppose. If I don’t make these changes, then I will go nuts. It’s not fun feeling yourself break down. I could go by route of denial, but that wont solve anything. And nursing and catering to the problems that have created these choices have not helped at all either. It’s time for change, and it’s not easy, nor will it be liked and welcomed in most cases, but it needs to be done. How can I honestly be apart of my family and take care of it, if I don’t take care of me as well?

I guess I’m done for now. I may put some more things over at LJland, but this is all I wanted to say for now. I love my family (nuclear and extended, all) and my friends. You all mean a lot to me. To help me is let me come to you. At a time like now, I don’t need nor want the door crashing down or the phone ringing off the hook. It’ll make things worse. Been there and done that.

 

And to lighten things up….

 My snow puppy!

 

 

 

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