Do you know what I find relaxing?

Had a not so great visit at the doctor’s today. Now, I know this is a free clinic. I know they do not have a lot of resources at their disposal. I know that I don’t have the money to pay for all the tests, etc that I need. But is it too much to ask for a doctor to actually be a little sympathetic and I dunno… have a decent bedside manner and maybe actually pay attention to the patient? At least we ruled out diabetes as a cause to the pain. Does not mean that I won’t develop it and can stop being careful and all that jazz, just that we have some sort of confirmation that it is not causing the pain. But he’s convinced it’s arthritis. Which is all well and good, but he is also throwing out one other possible cause that I don’t think should be thrown out, especially for his reasons. Fibromyalgia. He says he puts no stock in it and it’s nonsense. I say he’s full of shit. I know a few people who have it, and the symptoms I have are almost 100% to the nose the same as theirs. BUT, since it does share a lot of symptoms in common with other things, like many forms of arthritis, I will not say that is just what it is until I know for sure. I did tell him that I don’t want to keep doing pain management for the rest of my life, especially not knowing what it is that is causing it. It could end up being some sort of tumor located in a hard to see spot that is putting pressure on various nerves and causing the pain (I know, I watch too much House, MD.). I just would like to know what it is, that way a specific treatment can be given, preferably with as few drugs as possible. Too many times over the course of dealing with this pain I have had many doctors tell me it was one thing and even when I would tell them the treatment they gave me wasn’t working and they’d say I didn’t know what I was talking about. Then I got a great doctor who did listen and did help and refused to discount anything. He also didn’t prescribe me anything (unless I wanted it, and frankly I didn’t since most stuff wasn’t working) and had me just do pain management while he ran all kinds of tests. Then Hubby lost his job and the insurance in the process. And there was and still is no way we can afford the insurance payments from COBRA (they even act like they’re from the GI Joe comics!) and the insurance from work is about as useful as having no insurance. So, we are stuck until I figure out something else.

My boss has (jokingly, mind you) said that I should just go collect disability. I have given that thought, so much that I did do the research. IF I had an official diagnosis by a doctor as to what is wrong with me, I would have to wait up to (and maybe even longer than) six months before any kind of benefits kicked in, and that’s after an application process, investigation, etc. Um, even though I don’t make THAT much at my current job, it’s still more than what I would get with disability, and I can’t see us being able to go six months without an income from me, unless somehow we managed to win the lotto or Hubby struck it rich with a dream job that would also allow him to finish school.

I have been thinking about going to the Unemployment office and seeing about their job training program. I can’t go back to school right now (only person working and owing money to a school will do that), but if I could get them to help me find another job, perhaps one that wasn’t so physically taxing at times (yes, flipping burgers, when done right, will leave you exhausted by day’s end). But still, one that would keep me busy. I’ve tried the job hunting on my own, and either it’s in more food service (might as well stay put) or I don’t have the credentials/credit to work there. It sucks and is very depressing.

But then I decided this afternoon that I was going to have a nice quiet time of Hack and Slash. Nothing like a massacre to brighten up a persons day. It seriously takes the stress away. Now, I’m talking about gaming here, if you didn’t already know ;). I decided to work on a new play-through I started the other day with Dragon Age: Origins. I have a few more achievements to get in the game, and yeah, I adore Alistair. So I went through and made a few Darkspawn, Zombies, Abominations and Bandits feel way less than adequate. It was a blast. I had my trusty Mabari Hound, Odd at my side, with Alistair, Morrigan and Leliana. Only thing better would have been able to shoot guns at the same time… Maybe I should have thrown Fable II in there instead? I can use a gun and a sword in that game. Maybe next time.

Sorry this angry blog was so angry, and angsty and kind of put out, but it’s how I’m feeling at the moment. I know things will get better, and I know it won’t be like this forever, but damn if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes.

In brighter news, Youngest will be meeting her teachers for the year tomorrow. She’s scared and excited at the same time. She’s also going to spend a few days with her cousins after that. So Hubby and I will have the house to ourselves and the animals :). We’re going to see what my schedule is like and see if we can catch a movie. I think we still have a gift card or two for the theatre left. And even if we don’t, it’s not like we don’t already have a few here to catch up on.

Well, I need to start settling down for the night. Big inspection tomorrow at work and the hands are hurting a bit. Time to edit this and post it. Later!

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